LIFE

I sit here tonight thinking about my dad.

Oh, to know what he is feeling...just to catch a glimpse of what is inside of his mind...

I think back to just a few weeks ago and see this man driving my mom wherever she needed to go on her errands....I see him sitting at his desk working on the computer...I see him printing out pictures of his grandchildren...and his one great grandchild...making them large enough so that Mom, with her macular degeneration, could catch a glimpse of them all.

Right now he lies in his hospital bed hooked up to a machines....including one that breathes for him...an ileostomy that collects his body's wastes...a feeding tube that gives him nourishment....etc. etc.

I have just changed my flight home to Sunday instead of Monday. The reason is that the family doctor is going to sit down on Sunday afternoon and talk to the five of us together....Mom, my three sisters and me.

We are going to talk about things like "quality of life" and "recovery" and whether there are "decisions" to be made.

"Decisions"? That is so surreal to me.

How can we make "decisions" concerning this man who brought us up? He is the parent...shouldn't he be making the "decisions"???

I can hardly believe these words that I am writing. I never imagined being in this position. I don't want to be in this position.

I just want to see my dad online again...sending me jokes...and instant messaging with me...

So much of this is falling on my mom's shoulders.

She needs to know that we are all behind her no matter what.

So, in essence, I am going home to give Mom my love and approval for any "decisions" that she is faced with in the future...as she watches her life partner of over 65 years lying helplessly in his hospital bed...

Yes, this is a very hard time for my family....but, how excruciatingly difficult this time must be for her...