Coming Home

"Take the time to come home to yourself every day." R. Casarjean

Leaving my dad yesterday was so incredibly painful...but, I had to get back home for at least a while to take care of my "other life" as opposed to this "surreal life" that I have been experiencing in Florida with my family. Between going to Minnesota and then the week in Florida...I had been gone almost two weeks.

Mom, my two wonderful sisters, and an incredible brother-in-law, who all live down there within a few blocks of each other....will have to be my link to his every hour as we stay in touch during this period of, hopefully, healing and strength.

It is interesting to me to again find how cathartic this simple little blog can be in allowing me to type out some of my most inner feelings as they go from my heart to my fingers. It is as though they need a place to be put...and, it somehow feels right to put them here.

This is not a journey that I was prepared for emotionally, but it is a part of the bittersweet life that we all live.

Sitting in the hospital and watching my dad take in labored breaths...opening his eyes only on occasion...and being hooked up to a multitude of clicking, ticking and beeping paraphanelia was quite distressing...to say the least.

What is he thinking about as he lies there being surrounded by not only machinery but groups of doctors and nurses 24 hours a day?

What are the words that he is trying to say to his four daughters who encircle his bed rubbing his cold hands and stroking his thin, grey hair?

I felt as though he found the inability to communicate with us to be the most difficult part at times. The nurses gave us charts with letters on them in hopes that he could point to them and let us know what he wanted to say. This proved very frustrating and slow to him...so, I went and got a large pad and a felt tip marker for him to write on...

So, there we were huddled around this brilliant man taking turns holding up his right hand as he attempted to scrawl out some messages to us...all the while trying to decipher what he was trying to say.

Incredibly, at one point, he was able to let us know that he felt like something was stuck in his throat---he did this by words as well as pictures. He actually did a rough drawing of himself in the hospital bed and then made a line from his head to a larger drawing of his head and neck where he attempted to point to the exact area where his pain was. Of course, we immediately took this information to the nurse who was pretty amazed at what he had done and then assured him that it was a normal sensation....most likely from the breathing tube.

Unfortunately, there were times when his words did not seem to make any sense to us...and we had to remember that he was on many pain meds at different times. Words like "paranormal" and "parallel universe" left us a bit confused as well as pondering this spiritual level that his mind was possibly going to...but, we did have to laugh when during one of his "writing sessions" he actually asked us all to be quiet! I imagine that having the four of us plus Mom chatting away can get to be quite overwhelming...!!

I look forward to the time when he is better and I can sit and ask him exactly what he was feeling during these times...

I pray to God that I get that opportunity...